My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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