You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
