I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
