I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
