First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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