When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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