I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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