I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
