you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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