wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
