Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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