Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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