Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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