My cat gives me a boner
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
