You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
