What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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