And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Your tits are I can't wait for
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
