you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize