I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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