the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Randomize
