Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
i believe in u and ur pee
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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