Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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