Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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