Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
