The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
