Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.