My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
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Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
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Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.