Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.