i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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