you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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