Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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