Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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