I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
