I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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