You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I would ride that face into the sunset
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
