I'm gonna have a badass scar
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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