Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
