is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
