I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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