i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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