mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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