My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
