she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
