I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
