That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
