i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
