Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
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You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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