Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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