ya dads aren't the best wingmen
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
