If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
