omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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