Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
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