True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
BRING THE BAGELS
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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