I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
he was CRYING into my vagina
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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