I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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