so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
