By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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