I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
