theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize